From Where, Here
There was an old word I grew up with that captures the tension inside the writings of these 180 days; conspicuence. It is a word that images the human frailty that makes us vulnerable to desire, whether for ravenous consuming, sexual pleasure as its own end or an inordinate focus on one's identity or dignity.
Conspicuence is the non-rational, fleshly need for comforting and nurturing and possessing whatever our ego, body or soul longs for. Conspicuence flows underneath consciousness, its hunger always hiding in the shadows of perceived unfulfilled need. It's at least a cousin to what we moderns reference as "lust" as possessing a pleasure, person or experience; lust rooted in the memory, unfelt till suddenly awakened by a stimuli of smell, taste, touch, sight or hearing propelled by previous experience or even previous cultural memory captured by iconic imagery. Did I say awakened?
Augustine, I think wisely, rooted this inordinate need as a privational hunger; the result of communal wounds and empty longing that began with our 1st parents sin in the garden. As a community or species we are all participants in this sin-centric obsession to define ourselves apart from one another and from God, rather than with one another and God in love.
It is to the Wesleyan understanding of God's absolute embrace of our human wounds, needs in Christ's atonement that I will now turn, seeking a way forward and through this ever present, too easily embraced lust. I begin the next journey with two simple truths:
1. The inward battle with lust and its ravenous desire for sensual fulfillment apart from "spiritual meaning" is very real and likely will not going away' of its own accord, and;
2. The All-Surrounding Presence of The Father, Son and Holy Spirit as expressed fully in the cross is my singular hope, for in that gracious act of self surrender to Rome's anxious and the Priestly class's defensive grip on power, I am invited to enter in to the only resolution "lust" cannot co-habitat with; love expressed in vulnerable reverence for each human.
Life Experience
This week I put on my electricians hat and confidently looked for a different circuit to power the two fixtures in our temporary
Now, I knew I had a new circuit that I had ran in the switch box that also had the wire that runs up to the light (a switch-leg); so abandoning the back feed was a no brainer. Besides, when I opened up the switch box and the ceiling light I discovered what appeared to be the original white (neutral) and black (hot load wire) that had been used. Why? All the wires seemed to be iron clad (very old style) and without grounding; but that's easily fixed.
So as a 70-year-old man who ran two electrical company crews in my relative youth, what could possibly go wrong?
Cutting the old and assumed neutral wire I, with increasing assurance of success, stripped back the two new ends of the white neutral, grabbing my tester to confirm I had a 110 volt across either end and my new black hot wire. On the portion going up to the light I did--a no brainer; delighted it still worked given the recent electrical upgrades. When I checked the other now open wire, I was shocked (not literally) to find I had 220 across the white neutral (?) and my spankin' new black hot wire. That meant both sides were hot. How could that possibly be? I literally just cut the wire and it functioned on one end as it should and on the other as it absolutely should not!
I double checked, including treating the hot white wire (going down the wall) as a hot load and testing it across my newly installed circuit's white neutral. Walla! I had 110 across two white wires. What shocked me (gotta get rid of that word) was not that a white wire usually used as a neutral (potential load) could be hot. The white wire is often used as a transfer of electrical load say between two switches controlling the same light. But what I'd never ran into was a wire that, when cut, functioned as both a neutral and hot wire at the same time. Beyond my pay grade.
So I decided to sleep on it and ask God to gift me with insight. (Now to all you electricians laughing at my lack of analytical skill, please be kind. It's been 40 years since I worked electricity and I was bad enough they got me out of the field and into the office. 😊).
Next day I decided that the white wire was probably not a home run to the panel, given symptoms, but likely was the neutral side feeding the two plugs on that wall. Given the lack of grounding I assumed I had a small leak of load power in probably the last receptacle that somehow—all these years—never tripped the circuit and just might have been the reason it was abandoned 30 years earlier for the light outlets with a back feed from the adjacent room. (If so, bad call.)
As I disconnected the black and white wires from the 1st receptacle, sure enough the same thing happened. To my left the white wire that had earlier carried load returned to just a neutral, 110-volts across the black and white. Yet the same white wire going to the next receptacle carried load. Further, it was clear that the aluminum wire had fused and the stranded wire at points of connection had turned nearly solid.
Finally came the last receptacle, still working, but visually broken. After adding a ground wire and accidentally touching it and the hot load the circuit flashed and tripped the breaker—as it should have many years earlier. After turning the power back on, I quickly checked to make sure the white wire was only a neutral and there was no bleeding from within the wire itself instead of just the receptacle. Satisfied, I put new devices on the old wire for the receptacles and hooked up the lights still to the new circuit as planned. It all worked well—now safely.
So what we had was a low level of potential energy needing only to reach the panel to become fully energized and break the circuit, protecting us all from overheating and potential fire. Had the circuit had two protections the potential danger of low level electrical (conspicuence or lust) energy would have been fully protected; a GFIC or ARC protection.
GFIC identifies any quick surge of energy and cuts the circuit faster than the green wire can.
ARC is similar, but as I understand it, identifies anomalies of electrical flow and breaks a circuit, even if they are not large enough to of themselves trigger the breach. These ARC devices are made specifically for this scenario or perhaps if an old and defective appliance is used that is not shorted, but no longer even or stable in its flow of electricity.
Spiritual Meaning
As I end this second 180 days of sobriety I'm keenly aware that God has replaced the broken hardware of lies, even irrational longings that betray every moment with potential desire needing only a connection to become fully energized; terribly real.
The new disciplines of daily reflection, writings, sleeping with scripture being read and the attendant sorrow over the cost of my desires fully expressed are doing their work. Loving God and persons is returning to a new normal, humanly so.
Yet I'm keenly aware of lust's memory suddenly emerging as a flash of desire. I'm also even more keenly aware that underneath and around these fused memory synapses, if you will, is a deeper longing, hiding in the shadows. Hence the occasional confession of "if I could, I would".
It's not a statement of intention; quite the opposite. It hides inside anxiety's flow or anger's imagination. It, like some of the Pharisees of old, fiercely defends its territory; the "Id" of desire, if you prefer Freud.
Not only has conspicuence not gone away but its flow ebb and increases within, as repentance grows ever deeper.
This will be the need, the deeper cleansing or perhaps healing acceptance of the next 180+ days.
A Prayer
Father. it amazes me how completely you teach me from within life; how You make Scripture echo inside experience.
How I missed our daily dialogues in the emptiness that is sexual addiction.
At this writing, Father, my hunger for sexual comfort is fully awakened. It's okay and will pass. But the hunger of lust and deeper still, the longing that feels somehow ancient, before my creation, lurks ever near.
Thank you Jesus that I'm not alone and that you have wrestled with human desire as real as my own, but without giving in.
Father, show me in the days ahead that like a white neutral the root desire is good, Godly and seeks fulfillment—potential becoming real.
I have no clue how, but can you put me and your lovely daughter Joetta1 back together? With or without a full measure of healing in us, please place in me by hardwiring the three protections:
1. A Grounding in Your Word, and;
2. A GFIC (Godly Framed , Intelligent Confessions) awareness and escape from lust suddenly surging, and;
3. A Spirit led ARC (Of The Covenant) in relations that harmonizes sexual energy flow, embedded in the tenderness of compassion for Joetta, for my family, the Church. our Community and You, Father. Amen.
Reflections
Q: Terry is confessing his need and our human need to wrestle with, be aware of and allow God’s healing Presence to surround the deepest wounds, brokenness and/or affections of the heart. How doest that strike you? Con you identify with Terry’s confession? How So? Why not?
Scripture Reading: Colossians 3: 1-17
Notes, Feelings, Insights, Prayer..
1Allow me to be very clear. There is no sense in which the lack of celebration via sexual intimacy is Joetta’s responsibility. That all lies with me, literally.
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